10 Tips to be a Stereotypical Douchebag Traveller
The first question I must ask is why do you want to be a Douchebag Traveler? Maybe you want to see if you are already a douchebag traveler? or you want to actually have the knowledge of becoming the biggest douchebag. Whatever the Answer Is, I will list the worst traits that any traveler can have!
1. Have an amazing reason to travel
Everyone has a reason to travel. Normally it is the fact you need a change from life or you have a cause you need to spread a message of.
Whatever your reason to travel. When you come across the Traveler that it is traveling to change the world. You realize quickly that your reason to travel isn’t that stupid!
Guide for annoying bullshit reasons to travel
- The reason must sound like origin out of a comic book. Good examples of this are; “My great uncle died when I was 7 and left me a million dollars, This destroyed my life. Now I travel the world with a new love of bats.” Or, “I was working in a lab and It was so unsafe I got attacked by one of my projects. Now I travel the world taking photos of spiders, man life is hard”
- Add other people’s reasons to travel to your reason make the ultimate reason to travel! Your reason could start simple then turn into… “I Came traveling because I was bored with work and how unsafe it was and the kids in Africa and frogs in London”
- Change your reason to beat the story of the person asking “I’m traveling to save money”, “I’m traveling to learn how to live on no money“
Alternative options when someone asks you your reason for traveling are going with someone extremely vague;
- Travel is life
- Life’s a reason
- Who Doesn’t need a reason
- “It’s about the Journey”
- Do I need a reason? What’s your reason to breathe?
- Travel Is the reason
2. Have a “finding yourself” story
On your travels, you will need to find yourself, Even if this is only day 1 of your travels you need already have to have your story worked out!
Pro Tip: Plan your 1st holiday around the story so you can back it up! Travel to South Africa for a week, spend every night in a posh hotel and have a great holiday. Spend lots of money and enjoy life. But make sure even it’s for like 10 minutes of your holiday go to a dangerous place and get some photos. You can use your 10 minutes to unfold and back up your story. ( You can do this anywhere in the world)
Guide to finding yourself stories
- Start 12 weeks before the moment, to make the story as long as possible “I need to give you some background before I start”
- Go American on the story, Make everything bigger. You didn’t see one shark you saw an 8 with machine guns!
- Add the word “Spiritual” Every 5 words or less. “My Spiritual journey began with my Spiritual master in a spiritual town”
- If possible add someone famous to the story. Bonus points for: ” I met them before they were famous”
Too lazy to think of a story
You can use this quick and easy story ” when on my Spiritual Journey I went to the Spiritual Place Ross Kemp went too, But it was too Spiritual for tv“
3. You need to have a cause (that you don’t actually give a shit about)
This cause can be something you set out to achieve or maybe when you were finding yourself. It doesn’t matter when you realized your cause, You just need to preach about it. Explain how you can’t believe others are not doing it! Most Important give no shit about your cause, Only act on it when others are watching you!
Guide to Having a cause for travel
- It has to be a sob story, Something that would get you through on the X factor
- You Have to be able to state “You are killing”… This could be a range of different thing. This is my top 3. Animals, Children or planet.
- You have to be making a drastic step to stop this (which is nothing to do with the problem) “We are using too much blue colored plastic, So I am now wearing a t-shirt fashioned out of leaves”
- You Have to tell people you have been doing this for 6 months plus, Even if you started yesterday to tell people you been traveling and doing this for a year. It makes it more believable
- Your Cause has to be unique, You care because no one else does!
Here are a few ideas for causes
- Campaigning to stop the abuse of gummy bears
- Stop people drinking tap water, the water killed your 94-year-old nan
- Stop lying to children about Father Christmas – It’s turning them into serial killers
- Air travel is wrong – The air pressure is making you dumb
- How we should be cupping our farts!
4. Look like a Dick
You need to have a look that screams stereotypical traveler!
Guide to looking like a dick
- Baggy pants
- haircut: dreadlocks, top knot or man bun.
- Depending on if a beard is in fashion or not, then go with the out of fashion option
- Bright Colours
- Don’t wash your clothes
Bonus points: If you can combine your clothing into a story!
5. Play the guitar
There is nothing worse than sitting in a hostel listening to a backpacker, traveler, vagabonder… whatever they want to be called playing Oasis Wonderwall, Badly. “Why is there always a C**t with a Guitar” Jay Inbetweeners 2
Guide to being that c**t with the guitar
- Get a shit heap Guitar
- Tell everyone you are self-taught (watch a YouTube video on how to play Wonderwall)
- If anyone asks if they can play it say “be careful I’ve traveled 5 countries with that”
- When playing, don’t sing and look like you taking in the music spiritually, don’t talk
Bonus tip! Learn how to play song 2 by blur and if anyone asks for Oasis say they’re too mainstream
6. Explain why you are different
You need to believe your different to every other world traveler, even though you more cliche than everyone around you. Make sure you tell everyone you meet about the big thing that you are doing! (You talk more about it rather than work on it). Here is a couple of things you can do, that everyone else is doing. Just make sure you back yourself with lots of BS
Guide to being different
- You have a website (or wordpress.com site) and you update it once a month, this makes you are a travel blogger. Tell every place you visit and you try and get free stuff!
- You use Instagram. You can go two routes on this, one you can go with the fact your a professional photographer (add a couple of filters) or the over and the more douchey would be to say your an influencer to your 1000 followers
- Make unedited Youtube videos this equals Travel vlogger, You mention this to everyone!
- You have some words that rhyme plus some basic notes. Professional singer, You say stuff like “I’m preparing new stuff for my next gig“
- Once found a job on gumtree as an extra this could mean you are a model or actor
- Brought 0.000001 of bitcoin, Your stock market guru
7. You speak in travel quotes
You sometimes find the people that sound like they are reading a guidebook, These guys are annoying but the worst are the guys that speak in quotes. Wanderlust quotes! The Art to speaking in quotes is just making enough sense, that you can play it off as a metaphor.
Guide to speaking in travel quotes
- Have set quote answers for the generic questions, “where is your favorite part of the world?” “The most beautiful in the world is, of course, the world itself.“
- Make sure you sound condescending when saying quotes
- When someone calls you out on who quotes you are using and says to you “who said that”, Just reply in a sarcastic way “Me, just then“
- If you can’t think of a quote, just repeat what they said with “travel is”before whatever they said. For example “what your thoughts on Bali”. “Travel is Bali” would be your reply
8. Make sure you one up every one story!
This is one of the biggest things you need to do! The one up! Someone is telling you about how they once saw sharks in a cage… You saw them in the ocean and you were bleeding. Someone is telling you that they missed the child’s birth because they were traveling then you tell them you missed your own birth because you were traveling.
Guide to One-Upping everyone!
- Make sure you cut off everyone else’s stories before they get good.
- Start with “mine was similar to that but” then add the one up to it
- If there is a guy more popular in the group make sure you don’t let him talk
- You are an expert at everything
9. Be loud and be over the top
What’s the point and becoming a Douchey Traveller if no one knows! You need to make yourself heard! As soon as you meet someone new, get their attention or get everyone’s attention as they need to know how cool you are.
Guide to One being loud and over the top
- Get weirdly personally very quickly, checking to a hostel. Ask the receptionist if they have ever had sex underwater because you have.
- Don’t give a shit if people like you are not, you have friends all over the world.
- Make sure you don’t follow any social cues, Talk when you want to talk
- If someone tries to outdo you make them look stupid
- Have a conversation with everyone that looks at you
10. Ask people stupid question
What to make others feel stupid around you, want to make conversations out of nothing! You need to use the best of the 9 items above to become the best annoying traveler in the world!
Guide to asking stupid questions
- Ask rhetorical questions, But expect an answer. ” Do you want to be a failure your whole life?”
- Ask people questions about their cause and their reason for travel, when they answer cut them off and tell them your story.
- inappropriate questions are the best! Talk about sex with people you just met.
- Ask people questions that they don’t know the answer to and be like “are you stupid“, then tell them the answer making your question pointless!
How to be a Stereotypical traveler?
- Have an over the top reason to travel
- A shit finding yourself story
- Have a cause that you don’t care about
- You look like a dick
- play badly on a guitar
- You are different (but you’re not really)
- Talk in travel quotes
- You one-up everyone
- Loud and over the top
- Ask stupid questions
once you are able to cross off everything from this list you are ready to see the world and annoy everyone you come across. I wish you good luck on your travels, as you will need it!
Thanks for reading
Did you find this blog funny? If so check out The Funny Backpackers Website www.funnybackpacker.com He is one of the biggest douchebag travelers, he did base the article on himself.